My Father-in-Law’s Real Opinions Are Starting to Slip Out—and I’m Horrified (2024)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m really struggling in the current political climate to continue staying silent amid my father-in-law’s hateful views. I suppose he has always had different political views to mine and my husband’s, but wasn’t so vocal about it. Now, more and more he is posting hate-filled images and rhetoric on Facebook and Instagram, and has slipped a couple times saying ignorant things in front of us and our daughters. I’m open to informed discussion from all sides, but that just isn’t what he’s doing. I worry about my daughters getting wind of his views—they’re too young to really understand politics, but definitely old enough to recognize hate. I’ve never been vocal about my own views, but I’m starting to reconsider, as I currently feel more passion and conviction about my views than I have ever before. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, and that what he’s posting and saying can continue to go unchecked. That said, I don’t want to mess up my husband’s relationship with his father, or my kids’ relationship with their grandfather.

—Torn

Dear Torn,

If your father-in-law is not just posting but sharing his views in conversation, then yeah, of course your daughters are going to be aware of those views eventually. I don’t know precisely what your father-in-law is saying or sharing, but “hate-filled” makes me imagine some pretty gross stuff. I think it’s very important for our kids to see us challenging those things, no matter who they’re coming from. You and your husband can and should push back if your father-in-law says something you think is hateful or just out of line. You can also let him know ahead of time that you don’t want him speaking that way in front of your children. If he decides to ignore your wishes and do so anyway, he’s the one responsible for the consequences, including any potential harm to your relationship.

The relationships we have with our family members do not require us to accept all their opinions as valid. Some just aren’t! You also don’t know who your children will become—you might have a queer or trans child who grows up hearing someone who purports to love them saying hateful things about them. Are they going to also hear their parents challenging those “views”? Or are they going to assume, from your silence, that you tacitly agree, or that you are simply willing to tolerate whatever wild and/or hateful things someone says in order to avoid any social or familial awkwardness?

No child stands to benefit from regular exposure to unchecked bigotry. I’m not saying that you all need to cut off your father-in-law; that’s a choice some families feel they have to make, for various reasons, but that’s not the choice you’re looking at right now. What you and your husband need to decide is whether and how you’re going to stand up for your values, the values you’re hopefully raising your children with. The important thing is not how your father-in-law feels about that—it’s the message you want to send to your own kids.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a father to three great boys (15, 13, and 6), and through a series of emotionally difficult and chaotic events, I have gained custody of a daughter I previously had almost no contact with (not my choice). When she came into my care at the start of the summer, she was malnourished and had a tendency to hoard items—anything from TP to soap to snacks. It’s been a few weeks of therapy and lots and lots of conversations where I reassure her she will not want for anything, materially or emotionally, but I don’t expect that this issue is going to be resolved quickly or easily.

I have an idea but I am not sure if it is a good one. My older boys receive an allowance (they can earn extra if they want to do chores that are not usually in their jurisdiction), but the allowance is not something I usually grant until age 12. My daughter is turning 11 this winter, but I’m considering giving her the allowance a little early. My reasoning is twofold: One, I want her to feel safe! I want her to have a source of material stability that feels like it is within her control; I’m hoping this will be something that can help. Number two, I want her to get practice managing money before she’s in a situation where a mistake is harder to bounce back from. I talked this over with my wife, and while she understands my intent, she thinks this will potentially upset my sons and make them feel devalued. I don’t want that either! What do you think is the right call here?

—To Pay or Not to Pay

Dear To Pay or Not to Pay,

I can’t say whether having some money at her disposal is going to make a big difference to your daughter. But I don’t think you need to force yourself to adhere to some rigid notion of parenting all your kids identically. That almost never happens, even in less fraught circ*mstances! Our kids are all different—they’re going to have different feelings and fears and needs. Each one should get what is best for them, and sometimes that may or may not be exactly what their siblings got.

As parents, we’re different, too, or at least we should be. We adapt and change—and hopefully get better at the job!—as we get older and learn more about our kids and ourselves. Of course, parenting our kids differently—because of their needs, or just because we have learned more as parents—can lead to real, complicated feelings. Obviously, you want to avoid favoritism, and you should be ready to acknowledge and talk with your sons if they have any feelings about the situation. You should also do whatever you think is best for your daughter right now.

I think your 15-year-old and 13-year-old are probably old enough to understand that their sister has been through a lot. If you feel a need, you can explain to them that you think this could help her feel safe and secure at home with her new family—you don’t need to go into any more detail, just acknowledge what they already know: Her circ*mstances and theirs are not the same, because they have thus far grown up very differently. If you’re concerned about your 6-year-old’s feelings, you can talk with him, too, now or in the future, in an age-appropriate way. (Maybe he could even get a small allowance now, to avoid being left out?) Doing something one way for a while doesn’t mean you have to do it that way forever.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

“Mary” is my daughter’s stepdaughter. She is 14 and we have known her since she was 6. My family tried very hard to embrace Mary, but she was extremely reluctant and never took to calling us her grandparents. We sent gifts and tried to see Mary, but when she was 11, her father told us to stop pushing so hard and said we were being intrusive. (This came because we called Mary after she won an award and was in the local paper. It went to voicemail and the call was never returned.)

During our recent summer trip, Mary mostly stayed away from us, listening to her podcasts. Then my daughter decided to give me a piece of wonderful news—she is pregnant and expecting a little girl. I was very excited and talked about how happy I was to become a grandmother to my firstborn granddaughter. Apparently, this greatly upset Mary, because when she got home she picked a fight with her stepmother. She said we had “always” hated her and rejected her, and never even tried to make her feel like part of the family. She is back at her mother’s house and refuses to speak to her dad. My son-in-law blames me for this family fracture. I am sorry that Mary took offense, but it comes across to me as a cheap shot. If I had introduced Mary as my granddaughter or called myself her grandmother, she would have been unhappy and I would have been overstepping. I understand no one should be forced into a family relationship, but that runs both ways.

—Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I’m hearing that Mary, who is a teenager, acts like a teenager? That is, she mostly kept to herself and kept her headphones on during your visit, and sometimes she fights with her parents. It’s fine to be annoyed by that—we are all of us, teens included, very annoying at times—but I wouldn’t count it as solid evidence that she dislikes you or doesn’t consider you family.

Mary was only 6 when she gained a stepmother and an extended stepfamily. If she was reluctant to get close to you all—or a bit uncertain of her place in her new family—that’s understandable; she was (and still is) a child navigating a family dynamic that adults sometimes find tricky, so I hope you never held that against her. It’s ok if she has never called you Grandma (maybe she felt she didn’t have the right?). All the same, I can understand why she reacted to your comment about finally having a grandchild, even if she hasn’t always seen herself in that role. You didn’t mean to hurt her, but it seems she was hurt.

Your son-in-law shouldn’t be blaming you for Mary’s reaction; you don’t have to claim fault that isn’t yours. But you can tell him that you’re sincerely sorry Mary was hurt. You can explain that you haven’t pushed in part because he asked you not to, and you wanted to respect what you thought were Mary’s wishes, but you do care about her very much and consider her part of your family.

Mary’s not 6 anymore, or 11. When it comes to various family relationships, she might not feel exactly the way she felt—or want the exact same things she wanted—when she was younger. When everyone has calmed down a bit, I think that’s what you need to try to figure out: What is she feeling about you, about her stepfamily and her place in it? Does she need any reassurance or affirmation from any/all of you?

I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong in the past. But Mary’s claim that you rejected her seems important to follow up on. You might believe that she was just lashing out, trying to pick a fight, but that accusation could be coming from a place of real pain. If you or anyone else in the family has done anything in the past to make her feel unwanted or unwelcome, even unintentionally, it’s worth trying to address it now.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I live about an hour away from my parents. My brother and his wife and baby live four hours from them, but it usually takes longer to get there because of traffic. My parents can no longer comfortably drive themselves long distances. Both have terrible night vision and get very, very anxious on the highway. Well, since the baby was born, they have wanted to visit my brother’s family every weekend. I can’t chauffeur them there every weekend, and they get upset.

When we all visit, our parents get the guest room, and I am left sleeping in the hallway because the dogs are big and take up the whole living room. My brother and his wife expect me to pitch in with cleaning, cooking, and other chores while our parents fuss over the baby. It has been six months, and I am at the end of my rope. My brother recently told me his wife is tired of hosting, so either I have to make a 10-hour trip in a day or we need to get a hotel. I asked if he would be willing to pony up half the cost since our parents have a fixed income and I am putting a lot of wear and tear on my car. He got seriously offended and ranted about how hard it was balancing his new family, saying it’s not like I have anything going on in my life. What should I do?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Good lord, a 10-hour round trip? And they all expect you to keep making that drive whenever they want—never mind sleeping in the hallway or doing chores all weekend or paying for a hotel? Your family is taking advantage of you. It’s time to tell them that you can’t do this anymore.

Decide how often you might be willing to make the drive (I’d suggest two to four times a year, max, but zero is also right there!) and let your parents know that’s it. The rest of the time, they will need to figure out visits on their own. No one who lives 4 to 5 hours away from their grandchild gets to see them every weekend—if that’s really what they want, they need to move to the same town as your brother. In the meantime, send them a link to a bus schedule and wish them the best with it.

—Nicole

More Advice From Slate

I have a kid in seventh grade at an excellent magnet school. They are doing great at school, but have long struggled with perfectionism that seems to be fed by a school system that puts a focus on grades and test scores. Recently, in their advanced math class, their teacher brought in donuts for the class to celebrate that most students exceeded expectations on their mid-year standardized tests. As recounted to me by my kid, the donuts were for everyone, even the kids who didn’t do well on the test, but the teacher called them up to get their donuts in the order of their test scores! Think: “Joey and Milly got 23 points above standard—come on up! … Bobby got 8 points above standard—your turn!” and on down to the kids who did not exceed expectations (who were all called up all at once, without mention of their scores). My kid wasn’t upset by this, as they did well on the test and got a donut early in the distribution of them. But it drivesmenuts that teachers call out kids publicly like this.